Should I tell my loved one with Alzheimer’s that someone close to them has passed away?
This is an issue that has received a good deal of attention from various geriatric professionals, and there is still no solid consensus on the matter. However, while professionals have been unable to issue a definitive “yes” or “no” on the issue, they do tend to agree that your response to the death of a family friend or relative should be tailored to the personality of the individual. If you believe that your loved one is of a more resilient nature and you think that they will be able to cope with their negative feelings in a healthy way, then it may be best to let them know that someone who was near to their heart has passed away. As a caregiver, your primary goal is to do what is best for your loved one. Consider their current emotional state and think about how they have responded to similar events in the past.
If the person who has passed away had a particularly close relationship with your loved one, it is likely that they will be missed and your loved one will inevitably begin to ask questions about them. It is at this point that you must make a decision about what you want to say to them. If you choose to be truthful with them, complications tend to arise in that your loved one, due to the short-term memory problems associated with Alzheimer’s disease, is likely to forget about the answer you have given them. This can place an undue amount of stress on the caretaker if they were also close to the person who has passed away. It might be too emotionally draining to have to rehash the specifics of the person’s death over and over with your loved one. If this is the case, some people have suggested “therapeutic fibs.” You might try telling your loved one about the person’s death once or twice, but if they tend to forget the discussion quickly, or have an overwhelmingly negative response to the news, you could tell them a “therapeutic fib” and say something to the effect of, “I don’t know where they are, but I’m sure they are in a safe place where they are happy.”
Your decision to discuss a person’s death with your loved one might also depend on the stage of their Alzheimer’s. In the early and middle stages of Alzheimer’s, when cognition appears to be largely intact, you may feel compelled to tell your loved one about the situation. However, as their dementia progresses and they move into the later stages of the disease, discussing the news of a person’s death would probably seem less beneficial.
The same decision can be used if you find that your loved one is frequently asking about his or her own parents. In situations such as this, it is very likely that their parents have been deceased for some time, but because of the impact Alzheimer’s has on memory, they may begin asking about them again. As a caregiver in this situation, you might also utilize validation tactics to minimize your loved one’s level of stress or anxiety. You might say something like, “I understand that you really miss your mom, but she isn’t here right now. I know that she must be in a safe place and she knows where she can find you.” If your loved one wants to reminisce with you about their parents at this point, is important that you are supportive of that.
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